Empathy

Finally I am settling down to finish this blog which I started on a June evening in the garden.  It’s been a strange summer and we have had way fewer evenings outside than I would have hoped for.  Anyway I digress.  Let’s talk empathy…

During this pandemic, I can hardly believe I am typing that word, I thought a lot about how we might perceive others and indeed how they perceive us.  There are many quotes about this subject and one of my favourites is:

“you can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” 

The person who first uttered this American saying is I believe lost to history.  I have been unable to find the author of this quote.  However the fact it is so well known is a good indication of the importance of empathy in living a meaningful life.  

I studied English and one of my all time favourite books is ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ by Harper Lee.  Another famous quote from this book is -

“you never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it’.

So I first started to think about the meaning of empathy and the implications as we eased restrictions after lockdown.  As we had entered the second lockdown, which I truly didn’t believe would happen, I came up with the saying.

“we are not all in the same boat, same storm, but difference boats.”

Each and every boat was different. Some strong and watertight, others with a few leaks and some in danger of sinking.  I was keen for people to remember that as the storm soaked the deck of whichever boat they were in, we would come out of the storm and the sun would eventually dry the deck.  But with any storm there will always be things to be repaired and pieces to be picked up.  In this case we had to adapt to a ‘new normal’ way of living our lives.

So what does the word empathy mean and what does it mean to you?  The Oxford Dictionary meaning is:

“the ability to understand another person’s feelings.”

The Cambridge Dictionary describes it as:

“the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation”

Easier said than done.  I think more so as these situations of needing to be empathetic post pandemic fall well outside our usual circle of friends and acquaintances.  We find ourselves in shops and high streets amidst strangers, and need to be aware of those around us.  Some people will be bounding out of all restrictions full steam ahead, while others will be teetering on the edge, not quite sure of what to do or what to expect.  We have been given more rules to adhere to than ever before in our lives and some people won’t find it easy to revert back to ‘normal’.  

So what does empathy mean to you?  To me it can be something as simple as a hand on your arm or shoulder, a look of mutual understanding, a feeling that you are not alone and someone knows how you feel.  A kind word or gesture, sometimes just a smile is enough. 

But there are occasions when we need to ask questions and keep asking until we get an answer.  The most asked question in the English language has to be ‘How are you?’.  How many times have you answered that you are fine when you are anything but?  So a little more gentle probing is appropriate in some situations, and we have to learn to judge which these are.  There will be times when you won’t get through straight away and it may take many attempts to get someone to speak up.  

I was a prime example of this after the armed robbery that took place in our home years ago.  I continued to say I was fine until the physical symptoms took over and I could no longer hide my emotions.  I clearly remember feeling that all I wanted was for someone else to fully understand how I felt, to have been through the exact same thing as me.  An awful thought as I wouldn’t want anyone to have to experience what I had. It didn’t happen of course and I got a lot of sympathy.  But there is a problem with sympathy as sometimes it can make you feel more of a victim.

This difference between empathy and sympathy is apparent when you look at the dictionary meaning of sympathy. 

‘feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune’ 

Do you see what I mean?

So we have to be aware of this as we move forward towards normality again.   I had the perfect example of this in the Farm Shop this morning.  We had formed an orderly queue to pay and I was second in line.  A lady decided to start queueing from a different side and ended up in front of me being served next.  The person behind me said - '“that was sneaky,” to which I replied, “let’s give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she didn’t realise.”

Would I have written a blog about empathy if it hadn’t been for the pandemic?  I think the answer would be yes.  As you know one of my main mantras is be kind, to always consider what someone else might be going through before you judge them for their actions.  Simple rules like think before you speak,  if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.  Always remember that there can be times when you say something and it is taken a different way to the way it was intended.  Be prepared to apologise if you upset someone. Let’s all move forward with love, kindness, understanding and empathy.

Thank you for reading, Tina xx