THEY ARE OFF

“They balance on the edge of the familiar, the nest still warm with comfort.
The air beyond hums with possibility, a horizon stitched with threads of the unknown.
With a tremor of courage, they spread their wings, fragile and fierce all at once.
With an energy and purpose no one has seen before, they are off.”

“You are only as happy as your least happy child”, is a very true saying. It is important not to make your own happiness dependant on your growing children.  You existed before you had a family.  Your source of joy needs to be an inside job. Seeing them fly is what we have been working towards all this time. I am thinking particularly of those of you who have older children leaving home for the first time to go to university. You have been building up to this moment, but as it approaches you feel sad and panicked. Remember that even panic has a rhythm, a beat that pushes you forwards. 

When they leave home for the first time, it can feel like a part of you is missing.  The quiet in the house is sharper, your routines feel incomplete, and your heart aches in a way you never expected. It’s a raw, visceral feeling. But this moment is not an ending, it is a new beginning and a continuation of everything you have given them. They leave carrying your love, your lessons, and your presence in ways that you are unaware of. The values, comfort, and strength you have poured into them do not disappear when they leave home. If anything they rely on it more, travelling with it woven into their being.

Their independence does not mean emotional distance, however far away they have moved.  Independence means a job well done, by you. They will always know where home is, and in the space they have left behind, you will begin to feel something new. Pride, peace, and the joy of watching them blossom and grow. Yes, it can be a painful process, but you must know that you are not alone. It can also be likened to grieving, not just for a person but for the period of your life that is about to change.

It is completely natural to feel upset when you drop your child at university.  You have spent years building a world around them, and suddenly you are asked to let go of something so precious. The tears, the ache, the lump in your throat, all of it is because of your love for your child. But remember this isn’t goodbye, it’s a shift. Your relationship is shifting, not ending. The bond you have is still there, and in my experience the older they get the stronger that bond becomes. Sometimes coming from the fact that as they get older, they appreciate all the things that you have done for them and the sacrifices you have made along the way. There is a deep joy in watching them grow and hearing their stories and spending time together as adults.

They are stepping into a bigger world because you have given them the confidence and the strength to do so. The silence of returning to an empty house can feel louder than any noise. The drive home, the empty rooms, them not being there to fill the space, it is overwhelming.  But remember this space has been filled with memories, laughter and love that does not disappear just because they are not under your roof. They carry home with them into every lecture, every friendship, and every new experience. Remember they will be back, with an empty stomach and a full bag of laundry. When they do come home, expect them to have changed a bit. Remember they are living in the world as an independent adult and we must acknowledge that. Rest assured they still want the hugs and the chats.

One bit of advice I can offer when you drop them off, is to try to keep your emotions in check until you have left them.  They may look like they aren’t bothered but remember they will be nervous and having to dig deep as they settle into their accommodation. The worst thing we can do at that stage is to leave them worrying about you. There is a good reason that universities have freshers’ week, a way to keep them so occupied that they don’t have time to think about home. Perhaps there should be an equivalent for parents. A pair of sunglasses is handy whatever the weather, you can leave campus looking ridiculous or in fact cool!

A lot of people will tell you to keep busy, and that’s not always as easy as it sounds. But try to have things planned for when they are gone, walks, coffees, a trip. Hanging around the empty house is not going to help, and a word of warning, shut their bedroom door for a bit and do not be tempted to keep going in there. It only makes it ten times worse. Make sure you don’t bombard them with messages asking how they are getting on. Let them come to you in the first few weeks and when they do don’t ask too many questions, let them talk and tell you, their news. One final tip don’t over-focus on your spouse and start criticising the things they do.  Be aware that you are used to directing your energies into more than one person, and your spouse does not want to be a sole recipient of all your energies.

Have these reassurances to hand when you are struggling:

“The quiet is not empty – its love stretched across the distance. They carry home with them, and home will always be there when they return, and they will”

“Letting go hurts because it matters. Pride and love walk beside the ache”.

“The house is quiet, but my heart is full – they are flying because I gave them the wings to fly”.

“Remember you’ve done a great job, they are ready for this next adventure, and now it’s time for you to think about yours”.

The last word, good luck to you and to your children, you’ve got this. You know where I am if you want to message me.

Tina x